djjackson Funny Status Messages

   United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.

   I ate too much salad over the weekend so I'm going on an Oreo cleanse today.

   Goo Goo Dolls are opening for Lady Gaga. Fans are sure to go Goo Goo Gaga over it.

   When I was younger I wanted to play guitar really badly. And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.

   I went to KFC yesterday and when I was done licking my fingers, I offered to lick other peoples fingers. Long story short. I need bail money.

   If you grew up playing “lawn darts” with your siblings, your parents had too many kids and were trying to thin the herd.

   I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

   There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.

   A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.

   Looks like I’m going to have to buy toilet paper. That brush next to the toilet hurts.

   I got a case of corona from walmart and I never felt better!

   I went to the bank today. I saw a man with a mask and gloves come in and thank God he was just there to rob the place.

   This week's weather forcast...Monday: Room Temperature Tuesday: Room Temperature Wednesday: Room Temperature Thursday: Room Temperature Friday: Room Temperature

   I'm pretending. That way, when it comes time to tend, I'll be ready.

   Doctor Cathy told me I was really sweet. Well, she actually said I am severely diabetic but I knew what she meant.

   The wife asked me to sell my Hall and Oates collection. I said I can’t go for that, no can do.

   My paperless origami business folded.

   Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don’t do anything to the IRS building at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.

   I asked the waitress if I could ask her a question about the menu, please. She said the men I please is none of your business.

   From Cairo, Egypt: The government has instructed all city cab drivers to sound their horns while driving through the city. It's hoped that a return of familiar city sounds will help restore calm due to the pandemic. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last abou