Scottyp Funny Status Messages

   I just got home from the convenience store where I saw two homeless people making out. It was gross so I was about to yell "Get a Room", luckily I caught myself just in time

   Let my friends talk me into smokin "chronic" for the first time last night but I prob. should've skipped my Ambien dose. Apparently, I started and completed my first book.."101 Ways to Prepare Succulent Penguin"...I didn't even know you could eat Penguin

   I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me.......

   I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......

   I'm just sitting here thinking of all the absolutely incredible things that I could accomplish this year. That is, of course, if I gave a sh/t....

   I just had to ask myself, "What would a competent person do in this situation?"

   I always mean what I say, but I don't always mean to say it out loud..

   If someone describes something as "better than sex", I know their either lying or extremely sheltered

   I might not be a great example, but I'm one hell of a good warning....

   Bad decisions always make for really good stories........and I always seem to have a LOT of really good stories....

   If I'm half Welsh and half Hungarian, I wonder if that makes me Well-Hung

   I'm trying to learn yoga.....I'm pretty sure that I have the "Moron lying on his ass" move perfected

   I would like to wish a very Merry Christmas to all of my Polish friends..

   categorically denies all allegations......Next question

   I was planning on procastinating today but I think I'm going to put that off until next week as well

   My 4 year old is going through a phase where he screams out what he is about to do before he does it. I had to explain to him that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that....

   BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes---nothing left but de Brie

   I agree that some people might have been dropped on their head as a baby....but some people were clearly thrown against a wall

   Dear Mr. Pinto Bean, I'm very sorry I ate you and a couple of hundred of your friends, but there is no need for you to panic and plot your escape.....

   I wish I could get 3 dollars plus a gallon for MY gas....I mean, it seems to be pretty high octane...........