Jhows21 Funny Status Messages

   Valentines day is cancelled this year 14 - 02 - 12 = 0 Mathematical proof.

   Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2!

   Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons

   You know you're an ugly chick when you slip Rohypnol in your own drink and hope for the best.

   I'm taking my Bon Jovi sat-nav back to the shop.It keeps telling me I'm halfway there.

   I just bought my daughter an iPad, my son an iPod, myself an iPhone...and the wife an iRon. She wasn't impressed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean network. This sadly triggered the iNag service, which in turn wip

   That  moment when the woman you're dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, then you realise she just lost an earring... and that no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.

   A man lying in bed facing his wife, looks into her eyes and says, "Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery babe", She replies "You mean I'm worth millions?" He says "No I wish you would roll over !"

   If you've never gotten out of the shower and dried off with paper towels, you probably do your laundry more often than I do.

   Apples don't fall from my family tree, NUTS DO ..............

   Just got this text message, not sure if it's a prank:"Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   Someone wrote "retard" on my car window. Took me ages to lick it off

   so bored at work I can't even think of something to goggle

   I was just about to poach an elephant the other day, when I suddenly thought to myself, "I'm gonna need a bigger saucepan."

   BBC News - "Wettest June since records began"I blame that 'fifty shades of grey' book.

   I couldn't believe it when my missus called me lazy today.And this is coming from someone who has to sit down to have a piss.

   Paddy found wires sticking out of his sandwich so he phoned the police."Hello I think there's a bomb in my sandwich""Okay, is it tickin" the police man replied"No" paddy said. "I think its tuna".

   House party couple of doors away, music sounds awesome, wish I could rock up. Takes me back. These days my 4 yr old has mores parties.

   First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong.I see god is no fan of moon-walkers.

   My wife & I split up over a family game of buckaroo.... I was left to pick up the pieces