Fluff!! Funny Status Messages

   FYI - Valentines Day is only 4 days away... It's not too late to break up.

   I am pleased to announce that I hired Helen Waite to handle the issuance of all apologies on my behalf. So from now on, if you're looking for an “I'm sorry” from me, please go to Helen Waite for it..

   just wanted to say "Thank you" to those of you have faithfully cracked me up when I pop in here. Off to wipe coffee of my screen again.

   I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(

   Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload the gun instead of shooting into a bullet proof vest.

   It's perfectly OK to pretend that you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   The adventures of 'mom isn't home'... Today boys and girls, we learned what it feels like to stick your tongue into the vacuum cleaner hose...my 4 year old will never be the same...

   Dont you hate when you're at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"

   great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.

   My career as a Walmart greeter was cut short when the manager noticed me singing "Welcome to the Jungle" to every customer

   Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing them.

   I wish I could have sex for everytime I was turned down for sex

   In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those

   I glued a beer bottle cap to my watch so that whenever I look at it, I know it's time to drink.

   I just listened to the song "She'll be coming around the Mountain" and you know what, if "She'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably more woman than most of us can handle

   To the person who affixed the word coffee to the word cake, thereby justifying the eating of cake for breakfast....I salute you unnamed hero of the unhealthy

   Seriously guys, if you want a woman to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you guys need to learn to a save a tree and eat a beaver.

   Today's brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I don't understand women.

   It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I've turned myself around.