Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   Between diet soda, the Impossible Whopper and non-dairy creamer, our foods have become more fake than our online personas.

   I once dated a woman who punched me in the face ever time she'd climax. I freaked when I discovered she was faking them.

   If a woman sends me a "Hey there, good lookin" message, you can be assured she sent it to five other guys too. Kidding. She sent it to me by mistake.

   "I am the way, the truth and the lasagna." - Cheeses of Nazareth

   How in the world can I make wise life choices when I still use my fingers to add, sing the alphabet to see which letter comes next and think that BBQ potato chips are actually cooked on a BBQ?

   I know I’m no longer a kid, but I still hold out in the childlike hope that some day money will fall out of the sky. At least enough money to buy a Three Musketeers bar and some wax lips from 7-Eleven.

   🎵I'm dreaming of a White Castle Just like the ones that we all know Where the square buns glisten and I am wishin' That there's no chunks I'll have to blow 🎵

   Stay tuned, folks... it's getting close to my, "It's a New Year, It's A New Me" delusional time again.

   Divorce Log: December 16, 2005 ME: Is this new bed I got us great or what!!! Wife: Uh... NO! ME: (looking down from top bunk) Why not?

   Santa: I can't wait for the cookies I'm gonna get in Colorado.

   My favorite Christmas song is whichever one comes on right after Feliz Navidad.

   I'm saying this before the 12th day of Christmas even arrives. I'm keeping the 8 maids a milking and the 9 ladies dancing. That's it Everything else is going back to Walmart.

   I wrote a song called, "For Crying Out Loud, It's Cold Outside!" It's about me and my wife arguing over the thermostat setting.

   Prepare yourself. The family Christmas pajama pics are headed your way.

   The Day After Christmas Menu: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna. Lunch: Leftover lasagna. Dinner: Leftover lasagna. Dessert: Leftover lasagna. Beverage: Lasagna shake.

   Jerk chicken is like regular chicken except he goes around with a backwards baseball cap and calls everyone "chief."

   I got one of those Instant Pot gadgets for Christmas. What a load of BS. 3 days now and it hasn't produced any weed whatsoever. Instant Pot my eye.

   Divorce Log 2006: My ex had her credit card stolen, but I didn't report it. The person who stole it used it less than she did.

   It's not that I can't stand people who attend the University of Florida, it's that I can't stand the red-necks who love the Gators.

   New Year, New Me Yeah, Right Moment: I thought I'd start wearing glasses to appear somewhat intellectual. No one's buying it though. They all say the same thing, "Uh sir, there's no glass in those frames."