Cory Funny Status Messages

   The guy that did Super Size Me should of done it during Monopoly month.

   Only thing good about "good morning" is the breakfast tacos

   My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   It's Friday! The only two who aren't excited about that are my bank account and my liver.

   Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. Where I'm going, if I'll fall in love, what I want in life... Then I pull up my pants and flush the toilet.

   I think the #1 phrase that is guaranteed to make people argue is "what do you want to eat?"

   Dating is a lot like fishin'. Sometimes catch and release is the best method.

   Don't die a virgin. Terrorist are up there waiting for you...

   Life isn't like a box of chocolate. It's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow..

   I gotta stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I'm beginning to feel like people are taking it as a challenge.

   R.I.P Brian Griffin. Family GUy won'y be the same without you...

   Whenever I'm boarding a plane, I have to constantly fight the urge to yell out "It's OK, I'm a limo driver!" and then sprint down the tunnell.

   Last time I checked, Chick-fil-A is still sellin chicken and I'm sure Phil Robertson will keep spreadin gods good word and shooting ducks.

   Rock bottom hangover: I ordered pizza just to get soda delivered

   Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I'm having scrambled eegs

   Hands down best Budweiser commercial ever. God bless our troops!

   Actions speak louder than Facebook posts...

   Question of the day: If somebody threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey would be considered stoned of your a$$?

   Facebook should have a limit on how many selfies you can post in a day...

   Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...