Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy. Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??

   NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

   The worst five words are "can I have a bite."

   Twitter - A great place to post all your thoughts and hope someone, anyone, reads them.

   Dating is like going to garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need. 21 minutes

   I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.

   THE MOST CONFUSING DAY IN THE GHETTO IS FATHER'S DAY....

   needs a Facebook button that says "What you just posted makes me want to punch you in the face." Put it beside the "Like" button. Just a suggestion.

   If I have to pass a drug test to work my ass off, you should have to pass one to get welfare!!!

   Remember fellas, no matter how good she looks, if she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   Some slut I know posted her Facebook status as "I've just had my period." At first, I thought "Shut up, we don't need to know that. How disgusting." Then I realized it was quite funny as all the dudes she has slept with recently all "liked" it.

   The bigger the sunglasses, the crazier the chic.

   Hate America ? Everyone Hates america until your being ass raped by dictators

   While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.

   Jamaican GPS' would be great. “TURN AROUND, MON. YOU GOIN' DE WRONG WAY. TURN DE ODDA WAY MON. KEEP GOIN' DATTA WAY, MON. TURN COMIN' UP ON DE NEXT LEFT. YOU GOT DIS, MON.”

   the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly...."

   thinks it is wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

   There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.