Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Interviewer: This says you tend to jump to conclusions Me: So I'm hired?

   Not to worry Kraft. At least you're not Chicago.

   Chicago can solve its murder problem by having longer winters.

   As a parent my diet over the year has primarily consisted of all the food my kids have left on their plates.

   A small town lawyer will go broke but 2 small town lawyers will both get rich...

   Countless individuals over the last 80 years have spent millions of hours on the development of the electronic computer. All so that I can sit at my desk yelling "Hurry up you stupid piece of crap!"

   There's probably an employee named Jake who works at State Farm, who's had it with people's jokes and is about to go postal.

   My dogs are great as I can always count on them to alert me of danger outside.....and my neighbors coming home, squirrels passing by, the garbage truck in the morning, when the mail man comes and sudden gusts of wind.

   If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

   What's it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

   have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

   Does Chewbacca have 2 nipples like a human or two rows of them like an dog??

   I just observed a sign that said "How do nudists clean their glasses?" so there's that question to keep you up at night.

   Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

   "My eyes are down there!" - Large-breasted blind woman pointing to her service dog.

   I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like. But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

   If you think about it, James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman tickling each other would pretty much be the greatest thing ever.

   Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You're practically begging for typos.

   Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.

   Life is like Snapchat. You can call many people your friends, but it doesn't mean, they call you their friends.