Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I first met at a Boston concert. I knew she was the one cause it was more than a feeling.

   If your mom still washes your underwear, you're not allowed to have an opinion about anything.

   How cold is it here? It's so cold out, my nipples got to work 5 minutes before I did.

   Going forward I'm only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

   I'm paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.

   : It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

   I have never been “the one that got away”, but I have often been the one that got in the way.

   Maybe the next hoarded item will be laxatives...to use up all the toilet paper.

   People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove

   me: WTF all the shelves are empty sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

   Day 7 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

   No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature

   After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

   Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.

   Think I'm starting to lose a little weight while one a new diet plan thats really working for me that's called the "Eat less so I don't have to go to the supermarket as often" diet plan.

   Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy. Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??

   NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

   The worst five words are "can I have a bite."