Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‘We both know you need to pee:’ ~the monster under my bed

   my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

   My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

   "This ain't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

   To the person who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

   Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair. Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.

   Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.

   the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

   The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

   Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

   16 and pregnant was supposed to scare you hoes not inspire you

   Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!! Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

   So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

   I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat

   It's a good thing that not everyone owns a smartphone..Someone has to HONK when the light turns green.

   How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

   it really necessary for the first square of a roll of toilet paper to be glued down?

   It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.

   "No thanks. Not this time. Nah, I'm good. I had that done last time. No thanks. No. I'll have my mechanic check that. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. Next time. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. I just want the oil change."