Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honey,, Why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?

   Debate Format Change: The first Presidential debate will just be a comprehensive physical exam followed a colonoscopy.

   My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.

   You caught me at a bad time. Between birth and death.

   I have heard "I can't believe you're still alive" more times than I'm comfortable with.

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you are attacked by a mob of Clowns ... Go for the Juggler.

   Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

   This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

   My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.

   "My vote is for sale. Anyone want to one up Madonna? I'm taking offers..."

   The only people watching your Facebook Live Streaming are your stalkers.

   I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg, All I want for Christmas this year is fonts.

   You know you are getting old when you throw out your back but you don't know how it happened.

   Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

   When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."

   Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"

   50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.