Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some are mad Bradley Cooper went to DNC after portraying Chris Kyle. I get it, I'm still furious Johnny Depp doesn't travel via pirate ship.

   I also think it's adorable how their putting jokes on the sides of snacks now. .. Like listen to this one, ,,"serving size 3 cookies "

   I'm beginning to think that this election scenario has turned into our own version of the "Kobayashi Maru"

   My autocorrect just changed "hiatus" to "hi anus" on this email subject line to my boss, so I guess I don't work here anymore.

   I will throw an old lady in front of me to avoid being seen by someone I know at the grocery store.

   You wouldn't believe how many bookshelves I've ruined looking for secret passageways.

   Death by school supplies shopping.

   It's only a matter of time before the Pokemon Rehabs pop up everywhere.

   Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?

   The porn parody of Suicide Squad had better character development than the actual movie.

   My message in a bottle would simply say 'please fill with vodka' and include a return address.

   Can I ask for prayers please? I'm about to write a check.

   10 Ways to Put Me in a Better Mood... 1: Get... 2: Your... 3: Slow-ass... 4: Car... 5: Out... 6: Of... 7: The... 8: Frigging... 9: Left... 10: Lane

   Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?

   I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.

   I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."

   Facebook Memories: Here's you and your ex-boyfriend walking your dead dog! PS- It's from the year your dad left.

   I'm just looking for anything that gets me as excited as 10-year-old me when Fonzie made a surprise appearance on Laverne & Shirley.

   Problems that have NOT been solved? Please join my class action suit against Vanilla Ice, who promised to solve them.

   September 22nd is the first day of Fall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Put down the pumpkin. And stop being a life ruiner. Also pumpkin spice lattes causes constipation.