Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I've been on a new diet I really seem to be working for me that's called "The cost of food"

   me: [being mauled to death by a werewolf] lol he probably smells my dog

   I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

   Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

   They just left Jeffrey Toobin hanging there.

   *Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy. Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year. Me: I saw it.

   My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

   Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

   Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Sh$t” and a one and a two

   I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

   $1400.00 per child? Hold up Maury, I just might be the father after all.

   I slept like a log last night. ... Woke up in the fireplace!

   It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

   I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg, All I want for Christmas this year is fonts.

   You know you are getting old when you throw out your back but you don't know how it happened.

   Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

   When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."