Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only good thing about Directv vs Viacom is the fact MTV is off the air! The IQs of the majority just single-handedly went up ONE point.

   Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it!! .......You know the same could be said for condoms!!!

   I just started using the new Timeline on Facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh!t.

   Don't take this the wrong way, but you shouldn't be allowed to be a person.

   My wife said she is losing her mind. I said "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for the past 25 years." Actually, sleeping on the couch with the dog is not so bad. It sort of reminds me of camping out.

   When someone says "You just made my day," it makes my day..

   Does this hot water bottle and 12 cats in my bed make me look like I've given up on life?

   DESPERATION is exactly what I look for in a woman.

   True colors always shine through smokescreens.

   The most valuable contribution social networking sites have made to my life is showing me how ridiculous it was to have ever been intimidated by or feel less than the people I went to high school with.

   If only I could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.

   if your'e on top of the world, it tuns around every 24 hours.

   Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. Thank god I dont have a house!

   Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

   Sorry you brought logic to a wife fight

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.

   NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.

   If I get addicted to eating cold turkey, idk how i'm going to quit

   You've reached expert Dad level when you can't drive by a gas station without commenting on the price.

   People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.