Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.

   If I ever ask how your day is going, any response other than "fine" will be considered an act of aggression.

   What's the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

   Most girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Me: "I hangout by myself. There's no drama

   Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever.

   I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing.

   I don't have a drinking problem, if anything I'm too damn good at it.

   I put my pants on just like every other man... With my woman telling me I'm doing it all wrong.

   Well, the New US Congress finished its first real day of work. There's probably a motion on the floor now to take the rest of the year off.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   Hey girls wearing camoflauge, you can't hide the slutty with that.

   When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it.

   Mind of a Human: "we need to save the Polar Bears" Mind of a Polar Bear: "I can't wait to eat another Human. Those things are damn tasty"

   My dog likes to stand and stare at the front door for no reason because he knows the idea of unexpected visitors freaks me out.

   The difference between "I do" and "Do me" is the happily ever after part.

   I think I ate to much, I dont mean right now. Just in general.

   Quick! Sign here ______, here ______ and on this side ______, done! I'll explain on our honeymoon.

   Dude, if you've never hit the brakes while your girl was putting on lipstick…we'll never be friends.

   Why am I still up? No wait, better yet, why am I still sober?