Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's kinda bad when other drunk drivers are lookin over at you like "Damn that dude really needs to pull it together"

   I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with keyboards

   call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight

   Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly alike.

   I hate to sound so skeptical but I'm starting to think that The Office isn't a real documentary.

   ok, the dude was on the no flight list 24 hrs prior to him boarding the plane, but the airlines werent aware of it cuz they update they database every 24 hrs??? better hit that "Refresh" button every hour then, Gee!

   Some people have an inflated view of their importance in my life.

   If I had nothing left to complain about, I'd complain about that.

   Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Except the absence of herpes.Im pretty fond of not having that.

   I feel sorry for our ancestors who used to have to wait days or weeks to hear from friends that they were laughing out loud.

   Every time I pour water on myself when attempting to use a water bottle I get sad because even hamsters have mastered this.

   isn't sure what's worse...the massive amount of oil gushing into the ocean, or the massive amount of BS gushing from BP executives.

   exceptionally frustrated! How can I creep your Facebook page when I have to wade thru your farm, mafia, daily luck, horoscope, quiz results, lover/friend of the day, cafe world, and everything of which you've now become a fan? Make it easy on me people!!!

   to drink or........... to drink there is no question.

   I feel a spree coming on. It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet.

   Most great musicians die young, unfortunately we're going to be stuck with Kanye West for a while

   If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later

   Sure, I'll go to your open bar and watch you get married.

   Belated congrtulations to Earth for being 63-0 in Miss Universe competitions

   90% of what goes on in a cat's head is "I wonder how I can get them to look at my butthole?"