Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was asked today, " Jeremy, should I dye my beard and get rid of the grey hairs? Or do I look better with the greys?" So I looked this person right in the eyes and said "Aunt Shirley, you really should just shave it! You look like Chewbacca's sister!"

   It's not really stalking if you don't catch me doing it.

   How have Hoarders and Antique Roadshow not joined forces yet?

   I switched the neighbor's dog chew toy with the voodoo doll I made of my ex. Now I wait...

   Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmmmmmmm.

   Marriage tip #392: Don't ever, ever start an argument with your wife with "Your f**kin' mother"......

   You're her boyfriend?! That's cool! I'm her manfriend!

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: dont panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, were not that far from you.

   A husband is someone who, after taking out the trsh, gives an impression he just cleaned the entire house.

   Just because you saw a movie with singing, it doesn't mean you can sing when you get out....the same applies to Karate movies.

   Worst football performance by a Brady since Marcia.

   In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and a unforgettable love.

   I'm not afraid of killing c0ckroaches. It's the fear of his friends and family's plan to avenge his murder while I sleep, that haunts me.

   life isn't a garden, stop being a hoe.

   Wonders when my kids are going to realize the bathroom is not a portal to another dimension, and I am not running away- I just need to pee.

   Why is it okay for fat ppl to say "god ur skinny" but I can't say "damn ur fat"?

   I didn't fall , I attacked the floor.

   Megan Fox will not be acting in Transformers 3. So, no change from Transformers 1 and 2.

   I'll tell ya, there's nothing better than a cold beer(s) after a long hard day of laying on the couch...

   I get annoyed when houseguests take long hot showers... it fogs up my hidden camera lens.