Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I definitely thought we'd have some futuristic Jetsons sh*t by now.

   I love piecing my night together one drunk text at a time.

   "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

   I have a new lease on life. Month to month. No utilities.

   I just saw a van that had two signs on it. One said "We Speak English" and the other one said "We Delivery".

   I don't think Oprah has driven herself anywhere in the last 25 years. Her don't text and drive advice is like her giving marriage or parenting tips.

   Just once on Undercover Boss, I'd like to see one of the lower level employees just go, "Yeah, pretty much all I do all day is scrw around on Facebook and play Bubbleshooter. Also, our CEO is a d!ck."

   The first step to recovery is admitting that you're a problem.

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency

   *Solution to fix the problems you have with the new Facebook setup* First click the down arrow upper right corner, then click "Account Settings", then go to "security", select "deactivate account", small form to fill out, then confirm. Then go outside.

   Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

   Beer Nuts are $1.29, but deer nuts are under a buck

   Pride day is a month long, yet Vererans day is only one day....Please explain

   Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

   ORGANISM.. you read that wrong the first time didn't you...

   If Bono ,Julia Roberts and the rest of those billionare bozos care so much then why not sell one of your mansions or private jets and give it to charity. But those elitists gotta beg the hard-working Americans to give what we don't have, now get off my tv

   If I followed the advice "live every day like it's your last," I'd become an 800 pound criminal with multiple STDs.

   Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like god came down and highlighted all the important parts.

   21 years old? 5 kids? That's not a vajayjay, that's a Pez dispenser.

   I may be driving slowly... but I am still ahead of you!!!