Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since we cancelled COPS, & LivePD can we also cancel The View?

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.

   The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   At Pet Smart teaching all the parrots to say, Fu!c Joe Biden.

   “I got hairy legs that turn blond in the sun.” Nurse: Sure Joe, let’s go sign some more executive orders.

   With the pandemic ending, the people who yell at others about masks are in danger of never feeling important again.

   Remembers when the only fake news was the National Inquirer

   Just pulled on a nose hair and one of my pubes disappeared.

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.

   You can’t play it safe and have fun; but with fun, there comes a price.

   I saw a hipster wearing socks because it’s so cold.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   They say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The problem is, I can't tell the difference anymore.

   Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x