Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   trying to get a grip on reality, but the gravity of the situation hit me like a falling brick. It broke my hold, so now I can't get back. I guess I'm stuck in this fantasy world for a while.

   Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today,may burn your a*s tomorrow.

   not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

   It is difficult to be stupid... competition is huge...

   I'm ok with my masculinity, enough to eat a Blow Pop in public. But I won't swallow the gum.

   Save your breath...no one wants to smell it.

   A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.

   Ever notice that one buddy that always seems to tell others to "take one for the team" has in fact never taken one for the team?

   Dear Hotel Decorator, why do you insist on putting the coffee maker next to the toilet?

   going to put doves in his coat in case he gets mugged, gotta keep things interesting...

   You know that look women get right before they want to have sex? Me neither.

   On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh!t" and "syphilis."

   Sarcasm is the bodys defense to stupid people!

   Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am you think, i'm glad these are here.

   80% of electricity is made from fossil fuels so how are electric cars saving the environment??

   The spread of the coronavirus is based on two factors. 1) How dense the population is. 2) How dense the population is.

   To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

   it's so quiet at Hillary Clinton's campaign HQ you can almost hear an email getting deleted 😂

   "Oh, so that's what they meant by Silent Majority!" -------- Hillary Clinton