Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

   Wait?? The NSA's "Facial Recognition" software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending maching at work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner?

   I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

   "Oh.... I can't wait tto see all the clever and funny Bitstrip cartoons my Facebook friends posted today!!!!" ~ Said no one, EVER!

   "Old Macdonald had a farm,,, Had."............ * Bank of America

   I don't mind country music... but there comes a point in time when listening to lyrics about cruising around in a pick-up truck can drive you insane

   I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!

   Any room is a panic room if you've had four cups of coffee and a breakfast burrito..

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary

   Sorry, guys. Totally forgot to write any New Years jokes. I really dropped the ball.

   Why do people refuse to vote in elections because they say their one vote won't matter, but will gladly spend money tons of money buying Powerball tickets despite virtually no chance of winning?

   It's March 4th. I like today's date because it's like I'm telling people what to do.

   1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375 GB in about 3 seconds... And you thought virgin broadband was fast.....

   I generally don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

   Why sure you can trust the Government. Just ask a Native American.

   if I see someone say "smh" in a status, I automatically assume you mean "scratching my herpes"

   What's the best way to casually ask your neighbor for his wifi password?

   worried that my latest Goodwill donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s

   I hate when its dark and my brain is like "Hey you know what we haven't thought of in a while?" Monsters.

   If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.