Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone knows that one "special" person who's so well rounded they're pointless"

   If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?

   I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.

   "Who let the dogs out?" - [Pavlov getting annoyed]

   I’m going to write a modern Christmas song called “baby is cold outside” it’s the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat

   I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”

   I had this crazy nightmare where I actually enjoyed my job. Thank God I woke up before my boss walked in.

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.

   At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

   I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

   I miss the good ol' days, when no one had a clue what 'gluten' was.

   I do all my own stunts but not intentionally.

   Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

   ‘Was that really necessary?’ ~slapped newborns

   Banks need to do a better job filling their ATM's. 3rd one in a row that's saying "Insufficient Funds"

   Fear is contagious...so is Hope.

   Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

   My Mom finally brought my Dad’s urn into the living room and placed it on the mantle. It caught everyone a little off guard including my Dad who was just sitting there watching Duck Dynasty.

   Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

   My phone: 58%. My husband’s phone: 7%. Me: Honey, I need your charger.