Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I try to accelerate in my little Honda there's a voice that says, "Your request for speed has been received, and is very important to us. We are working diligently to provide great customer service. Current wait time is...five...minutes."

   I've realized that when taking care of really drunk friends, I have to treat them like they're 5-year-olds. "Mmm this water is so delicious! You want to try some?" And the funny thing is, it works. "Yeah, give me some of that sh*t!"

   Needs a weekend for my weekend

   It's not always rainbows and butterflies. It's compromise that moves us along.

   Those who say you only fall in love once must not have a FB, cause I see ALOT of PPL falling in love like every other week with a new person!! .. and if this offends you, maybe you need to take a look at your situation.

   Is it just me or is "Top News" on Facebook more like "Old news that is mediocre"?

   By now, Colonel Sanders has killed more people prematurely than if he were an actual military officer.

   I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

   "Find your ideal partner on Facebook"No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

   Sometimes a big fish in a small pond is just a fat guy in a baby pool.

   in desperate need of a padded room and a Thorazine drip..

   Wow you're really cute from far away. I think a long distance relationship could work.

   When life leaves you speechless, music provides the lyrics to help you find the meaning...

   Based on the seemingly random things my autocorrect suggests I sometimes wonder if it is trying to communicate with me.

   Eggnog....I get the egg part but, what the hell is "nog"

   thankful for unlimited text messages.

   I'm not mooning you. I'm turning the other cheek.

   This just in WIKILEAKS plans to reveal what you are getting for Xmas......

   The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.

   An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her