Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..i got tired of the grass always being greener on the other side, so that's where I've been sending my dog to relieve herself.

   •Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

   So exactly how many "become a fan of" or "join a groups" that promises a free something does it take for people to finally figure out that they don't work? I mean good lord, gullible much?

   Don't rush me. I'm waiting for the last minute.

   I would like to see a tax on every word that come out of the mouth of politicians. That should balance the budget in a day or two.

   All the Animals are on board and accounted for, Noah, but I've got bad news. The unicorns are gay."

   going to retire from being a flasher.... but decided to stick it out one more year!

   I'll bet if Andy Capp's wife took that stupid rag off her head and dolled herself up a bit, maybe he wouldnt have to get drunk all the time...

   It's never a good sign when you've exhausted your daily website routine within the first hour of being at work.

   feels like being single at 35 is akin to being a vulture...waiting for some other animal to walk away from some good bones that still have lots of tasty meat on them.

   Alright! Drunk me from last night made hungover me some epic sandwiches for lunch today. Man, I love that guy!" :)

   Just saw a guy hold the door open for his girlfriend, then playfully trip her as she walked in. So, chivalry isn't dead... it's just on life support.

   When I treat myself to a random hookup, I make sure to give it my all and really wow the girl. I don't need someone out there running around saying that I'm not a good bed buddy or couch buddy. Or kitchen table buddy. Or airport bathroom buddy.

   needs a shirt that says "Relax! It's not Swine Flu, it's just my allergies.

   If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it

   Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

   if it is not on wikipedia, then you are wrong, lady

   Some people use the power of positive thinking..... others you can be positive that they're not thinking

   "Scent" is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.

   just written "You have no new messages" on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and thrown it far out to sea.