Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “I’ve never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.” R.I.P. Mr. Spock

   Oh I can't, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

   Easter candy on sale. Welcome back 10 pounds.

   Ladies, I now understand the whole "my eyes are up here" thing ever since I started wearing a sword.

   My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.

   Future old age homes are gonna love the nipple rings . so handy to lift them up and change the sheets

   statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die

   Hey, just came over to extend a big warm welcome to nobody caresville...population: me

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.

   Should the phillies A) have mexican food night so at least someone at that stadium will get the "runs" or B) sign andy reid at least he knows what to do at the plate.

   Insanity doesn't RUN in my family. It just STROLLS around, taking it's sweet time....

   There's no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.

   Am I the only one that doesn't eat all day then binges 4000 calories in one sitting?

   Did you know, Hillary Clinton killed Kurt Cobain because grunge was making pantsuits obsolute.

   ... Well .... For the safety of all in attendance ... I certainly hope the official Olympic Flame in Brazil will be comprised of a gargantuan industrial sized Citronella candle!

   I'm so old I'm still looking for Waldo. F*ck Pokemon.

   All my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

   Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.

   I hope the person who invented the 5-day work week, with only a 2-day weekend, died alone and poor.

   Nobody wakes up and thinks, "If I play my cards just right today, by 9:05 PM I'll be eating ice cream straight from the carton with a fork."