Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn't have any pictures of me either.

   I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.

   Do these boxers, this bag of chips, and couch make me look single?

   "Your career could be in jeopardy" ~ Alex Trebek's agent in 1984

   Remember when emojis were just called clip art and everyone thought they were stupid?

   Waiting 2 hrs for an important call...hops in shower ....phone rings..

   Walk into a flower shop and ask to see their selction of chlamydias. That never gets old.

   I'm surprised that cartons of Soy Milk don't have pictures of missing vegan children on the back.

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. This is gonna be one hell of a week.

   I don't know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish's Birth date.

   I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   Makeup tip..... You aren't in the circus.

   Aparently people don't like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.

   Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald says he misspoke when he clamied he was in the "Special Forces"...he intended to say he was in "Special Education."...Easy mistake.

   Do you think the bums with Target shopping carts look down on the bums with Walmart shopping carts?

   I'm so glad television redefined the word "marathon" to mean the exact opposite of physical exercise.

   My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

   Treating others the way you what them to treat you is a great way to live your life. It may also quite possibly be sexual harassment...

   True friendship is when you walk into their house and your wifi connects automatically ;)

   If you live in a custom-built house that doesn't have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?