Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

   Van Jones is correct when he says Canada would be one huge blue state. Canada, could very well be the logical man's savior.

   Ooh Yoda! And did it really take you all day to come up with that insult?

   They said iv got ADHD and it's the most ............ Hey look a Squirrel

   A little bird told me it's going to be a beautiful day. My cat ate it.

   An infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters and an infinite amount of time would eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare.

   Here you go moron! 400 Oak Ave, St Charles, MO 63301

   Don't know why I'm so surprised Taylor swift got engaged with Travis Kelsy? Like I've been expecting her to call me any day now to tell me your the one I want!

   Big ass booty

   A condom is a diaper for your privates

   Facebook should have notifications like: "Karen and Steven took your post personal. Do you want to unfriend those people?"

   I don't run from my problems. I sit on my couch, play on my phone and ignore them like everyone else does.

   Robocop is just a Terminator that hunts minorities.. And dogs

   Can't wait until November 2nd when we all turn our clocks forward and gain a extra hour of sunlight! And in other news I just want to be a social network influencer.

   I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

   So ripping off taxpayers of billions is ok, but Menards rebate is bad?

   If Santa keeps a record of naughty/nice all year is this week undocumented?

   I'm going to eat straight corn for supper tonight so I'll have something for the bird feeder in the morning

   Hey I just met you and this is crazy! But I'm your father! So join me maybe?

   Didn’t think we’d see the day where Van Jones was the voice of reason…but it’s here.