Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Missus Beasley gaema hat!

   Work very Hard so that your kids won't have to Type Amen on social media for Blessings!!

   I just witnessed a state highway patrolman pull someone over for staying in the left lane on 23. That was satisfying as hell. Left lane is for active passing in case you didn’t know.

   The Joker is safely behind bars. The batmobile's wheels are operational. Robin is a human male, incapable of laying an egg. And I bathe every day!

   My wife accused me of being a transvestite so I packed her stuff and left

   It's wild that Santa can go into people's homes and eat their cookies. But when I do it, I have "issues" and need "help".

   My grief counselor just died. I really don’t care. I guess we made progress.

   Some of the buildings in town don't have a 13th floor, because everybody thinks that the 13th floor is bad mojo. If you live in a building like that on the '14th' floor, I'm here to point out the elephant in the room, which is that you can call it whateve

   Losing weight is a great idea except for two things. The eat right and exercise part.

   I was told this is where you order Door Dash.....SMH.....

   What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you? Bi-yourself.

   The ocean is technically soup and now my brain hurts.

   Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.

   Alcohol - The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance "medicine"

   Foot fetish screw them feet!!!

   I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

   BREAKING NEWS: So according to my calendar, today is National Alien Abduction Day. In other words, the government has been lying to us. There are aliens! Lol

   Someone called me a f*t f**k. I wanna know if that's an adjective or a verb.

   I love that I have a positive mental attitude. I'm positive. I'm mental. And I definitely have attitude.

   Feels like an extrovert stuck in an introvert body