Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really think it's time to take the warning labels off of everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.

   I burned 1000 calories avoiding someone I know at Walmar

   You could have done so much better than him.” Me: Mom, hello I'm right here..

   I WONDER HOW MANY VAMPIRES HAVE BEEN RUN OVER BY PEOPLE WHO BACKUP JUST USING THEIR MIRRORS.

   I'll gladly insult you to your face. Post your address pu$$y. (Watch... he won't. )

   My name is Gary Koenig and I'm the king of lame comedy!!!

   what do you call a group of humans? an infestation

   The proprietor of this channel has a bad case of ligginma. Ligginma nuts.

   Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.

   Pickleball. As if tennis wasn't g@y enough already.

   My ex's smile is like an email from grandma: all caps.

   My brother took going to jail bad. He wouldn't eat, smeared feces on the wall, swore and spit at everyone. That's it, I'm never playing Monopoly with him again.

   Friend: You play any dangerous sports? Me: I sometimes disagree with my wife.

   My dangerous sport? Disagreeing with my wife.

   Had to go outside and think its so cold out here my hands are starting to free

   Anyone know how long you could store an unopened loafs of fruit cakes for? Just planning on next year‘s Christmas gifts.

   In Canada if we say ICE is here it means the lake's frozen and it's ice fishing time .

   Nothing annoys me more than watching a cashier and customer chit chat while we all stand in line!

   My wife and I were happy for 23 years. Then, we met.

   I'm about to start telling folks different stories about my life. So when they get together to gossip, they just end up arguing.