Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   PS. Saying it your face and doing it in person is the same thing, you redundant asshole.

   I'm not giving you the middle finger; I'm showing half of a peace sign.

   If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.

   Travis Kelce is going to have to sign a prenup that is longer than any book he's ever read!!

   Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that was just a concidence.

   I share the same number of no f**ks given for Tyreek Hill as I did for George Floyd.

   I've heard of people being "generation x" or " generation z"..... if I had to label my family, we would be "generation AA" we go to meetings about it

   My wife is a 10 and so are her miles to empty.

   Yesterday, I left work pretending to be sick. Today, two colleagues didn't show up, claiming they caught it from me. Freaking liars!

   There is no bigger day for microwaves than December 26th. This is their Olympics.

   10 million people share the same birthday as you. How special does that personalized horoscope feel now?

   Marriage tip: If your wife buys tons of beauty supplies like mine does, just ask her "when they are going to start working". You want to make sure you get the proper bang for your buck.

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   The USA holds the cards, Canucksters.

   Yoda: You're going to need more than just a glass of water to wash away all your ignorance. In fact, you're going to need a whole ocean to wash away the crap you're so full of.

   Fuel prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test drove 3 cars to run my errands. Follow me for more money saving tips. 😎

   In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

   I don’t understand plant-based burgers. It’s like vegetarians are saying “this tastes like a cow because cows are delicious”

   Octopuses are just wet spiders

   The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me "amigo". Am I in a gang now?