Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember... drunken words are sober thoughts.

   Ok, I'm ready for rich people problems. I've mastered broke people problems, so I'd like to move to the next level please.

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work, and the other half aren't so bright.

   Ford CEO said at an investor conference last month, they're not going to build new plants in the States. Lie much? Needled*ck?

   Niqqers... Low Impulse Control

   You wanted cheaper eggs, and instead you got a 104% increase in the price of your electronics 😂

   You may not like my posts, but guess what??? I'm here to stay. So deal with it!

   Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Be sure to remind your wife to have all the cleaning and laundry done by this evening so she can enjoy her special day.

   It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

   So...why does Dairy Queen feel the need to turn my Blizzard upside down after all these years? I get it. You can stop doing it now.

   Air Poland is now Air Jetski.

   This guy's family tree doesn't have enough branches.

   Whoever lost the iPhone 17 in front of Walmart this morning, STOP CALLING MY NEW PHONE !!!

   When I was a kid we didn't have Facebook. We had a drunk uncle.

   For the ladies still waiting for their prince on a white horse, don't give up! With the recent rises in fuel, it can happen any second now!

   Playing "Real Boxing" on my IPad makes me feel like much more of a badass than I actually am.

   If you beat up homeless people they can go to the hospital where they will have a warm bed and good food.

   Even to this very day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.

   I changed my mind. F*ck Trump.

   I can't believe all the Me×icans who are taking Amer¡can jobs. Amer¡can jobs previously held by 16 year olds.