Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Opening a gym that teaches power walking and door knocking. Gonna call it Jehova’s Fitness.

   Wish me luck guys, I am interviewing tomorrow for a new job at Old McDonald's Farm for the C-I-E-I-O position.

   Working in my DBT workbook that I got from my mental health coach has made me realize how much I truly struggle with my bipolar outburst.. I'm working on it! All I ever want is to be a better me. The work hasn't been easy but now I'm glad I can take a ste

   who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”

   Whenever I see someone buying a 4-pack of toilet paper for their household, I think to myself, "Jeeziz, what do they do, s#it just once a week?"

   As historic storms sweep across Red States and leave more than 30 dead, rest assured he's too busy golfing to give a s***.

   Men with flaccid equipment are really turned on by Elon Musk. They sit in their basement and fantasize about him. He is the cucks hero.

   M*G* MAKE *MERICA GO AWAY Going viral all around the Internet 👍

   Repupubes fought tooth and nail to stop people from handing out bottles of water while in line to vote, but now they are totally fine with a billionaire offering them money for votes?

   Flexibility is essential for mind stability

   The left can’t aim right.

   When everyone can see you're being a d!(k .... you're a cting like grey sweatpants

   There are scams all over the internet! Send me just $19.95 and I'll show you how to avoid them!

   AIRLINE...FAILED CASINOS... FAILED MARRIAGES... FAILED MORTGAGE... FAILED UNIVERSITY... FAILED VODKA... FAILED CHINA CONNECTION.... FAILED FOUR BANKRUPTCIES... Yeah, what a great business man lol

   Pete Hegseth's "five things I did this week" email is gonna be hilarious lol

   My wife said, "Do whatever you want". I'm currently evaluating risk.

   Many people think that Tuesday Weld is named after the second day of the week. But if that was true her name would be Monday Weld.

   If you're alone on Valentine's Day it's okay as you can love yourself enough do something nice for yourself like go out and buy your own candy and flowers, and trust me you're totally worth it!! Especially tomorrow at 80% off.

   Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.

   never forget, you are a part of the universe that became sentient for a while and decided to post pictures of cats on the internet