Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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a few more minutes mom 
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Chewbacca's redneck cousin is Chewstobacco
The meat at Taco Bell has been dyed green for St. Patrick's Day. So not only are they being festive, but they're also paying tribute to Melania's vag bwahahaha
Reminder: BBC on television and BBC on the Internet are two different things.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
The States used to be a respected, powerful nation. Now, you're being laughed at and mocked by the entire world. And the majority of your country. Comedians, talkshow hosts, everyone lol. You're all clown shoes. Weak, stupid and embarrassing.
If you don't want the truth, don't ask me. If you want something sugarcoated, go eat a donut.
Due to the ridiculous gas prices, I will no longer be stopping at stop signs or red lights. I can't afford to idle. Thank you for your understanding and stay safe!
The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless and to humor the disturbed.
When I was a kid, before Facebook, I remember when taking the time out and having to stare at a wall was considered a punishment.
Question, Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage? Why not both.
I’vr never met a closet EV driver
Oh thank goodness, now we can go back to leaving our houses unlocked and leaving keys in the truck again.
Spilling is the equivalent
Let me get this straight; a fat man who breaks and enters into my home, who steals all my Christmas cookies, is the one who judges if I'm naughty or nice?
When I say your slow, I mean that you are as fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter. That's slow!
Toilet was stolen out of city hall yesterday. Police say they have nothing to go on.
If people make you sick, try cooking them a little longer
Apparently, I can't nickname my coworker 007 for having 0 skill, 0 motivation, and taking at least seven breaks a day. If you need me, I'll be in HR. 