Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A loan officer put a stack of his business cards on a shelf in the grocery store’s egg section.

   I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet. Now, it's clogged.

   OK... A GUY WHO ACTS LIKE HE'S SLASH ON STAGE BUT HE'S NOT VERY GOOD SO I CALLED HIM BACK SLASH ... AND I'M AN A$$HOLE ..

   Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.

   Good morning, l*fticles... let the meltdown begin!

   I'm kind of regretting my "Myspace Rules!" tattoo on my calf.

   When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

   Shout out to all the married folk out there waiting for their spouse to fall asleep on the couch so they can watch what they really want to.

   I have come to the conclusion I will never achieve my dream of being a Soul Train dancer...

   Do you think that Chinese tourists that come here are disappointed when they buy a souvenier and then see where it was made?

   So, the CIA can hack into my TV and listen to every word I say, but McDonald’s can’t hear me say “no pickles,” through their drive-thru speaker?

   When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong", do not under any, I mean any circumstances do it.

   Marriage tip: Anytime you tell your wife to do something, use your Male-dominated voice and finish it by saying "I HAVE SPOKEN!!!" She will then realize that you are always right, and she will go do what you asked her to do.

   I grilled a chicken for two hours, but I couldn't get it to sing.

   Dem women are disgusting.

   Ford is moving four factories back to the USA opening up 25,000 jobs. But please, keep telling me tariffs don't work.

   Oops! Mommy's little darling is up and at it. By up and at it, I mean doing daddy in the shower. His name is Barron.

   It's still hard to believe that this is all self-imposed. Everything that's happening right now wasn't the result of some foreign adversary destroying the country. You did this to yourselves by electing the dumbest motherfocker to ever rule a nation 🤡

   I hate when people say "Act like an adult". Have you seen adults lately? That's horrible advice!

   Hey New York, your Knicks fan base is showing how garbage they and your city really is.