Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a lamp made from Citrus fruit, but I refuse to use it. I’m trying to avoid the Limelight.

   If one door closes and another one opens, your house is haunted and you need to run.

   If you say "Why does the military get a day but gay people get a month" only during june and not in January, February, March, April, May, July, August, September, October, November or December, you don'yt care about the military, you arre just homophobic

   Jesus had a lesser known brother named Mordecai. He was unpopular for his much reviled practice of changing wine into water.

   Your bark is worse than your bite... but your leg humping is quite pleasurable.

   A dolphin is just a fish with a better PR team.

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that'd be great.

   I don’t forget things. I remember them after they become urgent

   Me: Hi, my name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic AAA: Sir this is triple A Me: I know, I'm explaining why my car is in the lake

   Ten years ago I didn't forward that text to 10 people in 10 minutes. That's why my life sucks now.

   You went from a friendly, respected, prosperous country to an aggressive, despised, bankrupt country in two months. Remember when everyone was defending Giuliani?? Look at him now. And look at your country. Sad and pitiful.

   When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I stayed on the couch with my snacks getting fatter

   Not today Satan !! ... Wait.......what kind of cookies did you say?

   Step one: Go to a drive-thru. Step two: Say "I'm sorry but I'm blind. Can you read the menu to me?" Step 3: See how long they'll read before realizing you can't drive if you're blind.

   Whoever said I can't cook probably hasn't tried my cereal yet.

   Marriage tip 101: If your wife asks you if the dress she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym just like she runs her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   I'm still a rock star I tell myself as I heal from a finger sprain caused by opening a jug of milk !

   These kids today have no idea how to enjoy a book like we did in the good old days. (We watched the movie on a VCR the night before the exam).

   Beedo Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bee eezz ... YOU'VE GOT MAIL !! 📭😁

   I'm so dumb, I thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.