Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An old man shuffled slowly into the ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress goes, "crushed nuts?" "No, no, no" he said. "Arthritis."

   Social media has taught me a few things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are greatly outnumbered.

   94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

   Woke means waking up from sleep. Stop trying to change meanings of words.

   Monica Lewinsky was asked last night if this was Bill Clinton's best speech ever . She said, "Close but no cigar".

   Why are you all still shooting off fireworks? It's July 8th for crying out loud! One of them flew off course and almost hit my Christmas tree!

   No Epstein files will be released. Hunter Biden is not going to be President. AOC isn't either. Trump's not going to prison, neither is Obama. Cut the partisan nonsense already, you numbskulls.

   I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak. (another great post by Gary K.

   Social Media. The place where imbeciles say they're imbeciles without actually saying they're imbeciles.

   I took my dog’s anti-anxiety medication by accident. Now I’m worried things are going to get ruff.

   They say money talks. Mine just waves goodbye.

   I can relate to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial. Sort of. I dreamt an old girlfriend chased me around the bed with a machete after eating a box of Ex-Lax.

   If you ever need someone to look like a complete idiot in your photographs, I'm your guy.

   Pickleball is ghey

   If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!" most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

   My eight-year-old just asked me if Bingo was the name of the farmer or the dog. Now I am questioning everything I thought I knew about life.

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives so many people hope.

   Hello, short bus? I found your missing passenger. Thats right, yes... Gary Koenig.

   ast night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet