Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instagram: A display of women with zero self-respect and we men are ecstatic over it.

   April showers bring Mayflowers... and we all know what Mayflowers bring... PILGRIMS!

   Back in my day we had so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree from the University of Phoenix.

   Don't let your Facebook balls get your real life teeth knocked out.

   If you're arguing loudly on your phone in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story.

   The economy wasn't fine. But it was doing much better. It was seeing fantastic growth. And now that's finished with. You just watch how bad it gets to the next six months.

   Number one 2026 Pick Up Line: "I have a full tank of gas."

   Take your age and add 5 years to it. That's how old you'll be in 5 years.

   What train system connects Oyster Bay to Mussel Beach? Clamtrak.

   I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October. I call it my jingle bell rock.

   Dear single women, please stop saying you should give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, please don't force an innocent cat to live with you.

   Fair warning: If I see anybody wearing a Santa Claus hat before Thanksgiving I'm going to give them a wedgie, whether I know them or not.

   Everyone needs a friend who they shouldn't be allowed to sit next to at a serious function.

   I went to the doctor thinking I might have arthritis, I don't. Turns out I have early onset rigor mortis.

   When I die, I want a crank on the side of my casket that plays the Jack-in-the-Box song just to see who has the guts to crank it.

   Taylor Swift is worth $1.1 billion, yet you imbeciles let her live inside your skulls rent free.

   The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It's great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say 'Bill Clinton Slept Here

   My ability to remember all of the lyrics from the 80s, Far exceeds my memory of why I just walked into the kitchen..

   Did my taxes and discovered I still owe Ukraine $4000.