Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Halloween Tip: Before you say, "Great zombie costume!" make sure the person isn't just incredibly ugly.

   A lady in the grocery store asked me why some eggs were white, and some were brown. I told her the brown ones were whole wheat. 🤣

   Some say the 1950s were not so great when it came to racism. Okay, so we fixed that. So, how about you blakcs step up and stop being naggers already.

   What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

   As an electrician, I always hated grounding my kids

   A hookah is just a glorified bong. Change my mind.

   Chocolate is a vegetable due to these reasons. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is processed from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.

   I called my doctor's office and told them I had diarrhea. They put me on hold.

   Remember when funny stuff was here? I don’t think even Pepperidge Farm does.

   Our entire planet is probably in a tiny glass jar somewhere placed on a shelf in an alien student's classroom as a science fair project that got a C minus.

   If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

   I SUPPORT MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE'S CHOICE NOT TO DISCLOSE HER VACCINATION STATUS. THAT'S BETWEEN THE HAIRY PIG AND HER VETERINARIAN. 🐷

   Fast Food drive thru's need a 3rd window, so you can trade in all the wrong items they gave you at the 2nd window.

   Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho. It's off to work I go. I'll make some shills to pay my bills, Heigh-ho Heigh-ho.

   Just so we're clear, aborting a 6-week-old embryo isn't murder, but allowing your 6-year-old to die of measles because you chose not to vaccinate, is. F***king idiots.

   STD:Stop the Donald. Don’t let the disease spread.

   I swear I can feel my brain buffering... please hold while I load my next thought!

   I looked up lighters on Ebay and all I could find was 13,749 matches.

   Ancient proverbs say "Nobody sleeps when the cat's bowl is empty".

   Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.