Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

   Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

   Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

   Am I the only 1 who cheers 4 the grape soda in the Kool-Aid commercials?

   These days, the only way I get rolled in the hay is if I get mugged behind the barn.

   Give peace a chance. Move to a new town and don't tell your relatives.

   headed out for a quiet beer. Followed by ten noisy ones...

   not to be outdone, Brett Favre announced that he will make his decision in an ESPN mini-series

   My dad gave me a set of golf clubs and wants me to try them out... currently waiting for someone to break into my house

   You know what is the difference between promises and memories? We break promises, whereas memories break us.

   heard, that Facebook is developing new application, that will show where your friends are, at the time of writing......that is stupid, because I know they are all at work

   How come the actors in fast food commercials are all thin?

   I wish sometimes I was a WWE superstar, not so I can wrestle but so I can have some theme music everytime I enter a room.

   An unemployed clown is nobody's fool.

   The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

   My mask broke while I was in a store and I felt like Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.

   An ugly dude asking you out is NOT sexual harassment.

   At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.