Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.

   Waiting for Kanye to jump into the ICU and tell Lil Wayne that his death is tragic.... But Tupac had the best rap death of all time.

   Dear Axe Bodyspray, Please create a new bottle that allows only one spary every 24 hours. Thank you for your consideration. Signed, Mother of a ten year old boy

   If you've ever said "Haters gonna hate", you can go ahead and add me to that list.

   THE WORST: I just spent $30 on apples at Whole Foods and then dropped both of them!

   My past is my past, it made me who I am, I have no regrets, wouldn't change a thing. I just don't live there anymore.

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   This recurring dream where my FB account gets deleted and I cease to exist.

   There are two kinds of people in this world, and I don't like them.

   It's so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.

   Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it's never found again..

   Twerking.. Always reminds me of a dog trying to shake the $h1t off themselves after they poop.

   “You’re beautiful the way you are, ladies. Just kidding, you need to buy this stuff.” – commercials

   Okay, I'll admit it. I just don't have the stamina required by most women. I mean, who can listen to a story for 40 minutes?

   If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago

   Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.

   I just got flipped off from a guy in a smart car. I didnt know if I should be mad or laugh.

   There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha

   Where do residents of Hawaii win all expenses paid vacations to?

   just spent the rest of my Halloween money on Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale.....I hope the trick-or-treaters are happy with some cough drops and a few beef bouillon cubes this year.