Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of course,men can multitask. They read on the toilet.

   You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

   - I am looking for my Valentine's Day Date on the Casual Encounters Section of Craigslist.

   - Of course, the great thing about tomorrow is that all of those heart shaped Russell Stover's and Whitman's sampler boxes will be 50% off.

   found out that they don't like you to wear roller skates in the mall! Or maybe they were mad cuz I didn't have pants on...not sure which one.

   best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup; the best part is remembering the name of the person sleeping next to you.

   can't seem to remember to forget you

   Censorship is █ very ██████ █████ in █████ ██████...

   Yes I know that "IMHO" means "In my humble opinion." In my humble opinion you are calling yourself a ho every time I read it.

   Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.

   Within every clean house is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous crap that someone just tossed in there.

   I'm not a geek, I just understand things you can't begin to comprehend.

   I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks running in the Indy 500...I know my limits.

   new years eve – one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early

   I hate when I can't understand what I'm eavesdropping on.

   The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers

   Dear Facebook, we asked for a 'dislike' button, not a confusing profile layout, or a smaller font size! Sincerely, Facebook User

   You think the glass is half empty. I just appreciate that I have some beer left in it.

   Old: Never take candy from strangers. New: Never click links from strangers.

   going to spend his cab money on more shots and just get an ambulance home