Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ya know, I am one for advancements in technology but honestly all this stuff that has been coming out lately is like a freaking stalker's wet dream!

   The coolest suicide would be to moisturize and not stop moisturizing until you become a tiny pond that fish and turtles live in

   If I get one more game or app request, or send me one more farmville request I will kill all your animals and burn your crops and smoke them, then delete your ass!!!

   that snow I see on the field? No, I guess it's just Madonna's skin cells.

   why I'm single: ☑ I can't date the Internet. ☑ I can't date my favorite celebrity. ☑ I can't date myself. ☑ I can't date music.

   Saddam Hussein ☑ - Osama Bin Laden ☑ - Louie walsh √ - Col. Gaddafi ☑

   What everyone hates to look out there window and see.... White

   I slept with an acrobat once. She was lousy in bed. It was like Cirque de So-So lay.

   realizes that sometimes the one you think is your knight in shining armour might actually turn out to be a retard in a tin foil.

   I am more bored than an Easter Bunny in December.

   I got so wasted this weekend I kept spilling drinks...all over the inside of my stomach.

   I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

   Does any one cares about KKK, white supremacy, Neo-Nazi, illigal immigrants, Confederate Statues in Houston? Just asking for a friend

   Someone just gave me half of a peace sign. Weird.

   Husband and I just burped at exactly the same time and it's the closest we've come to having sex this week.

   [creating a sloth] God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink

   I’m a go getter And right now I’m a go getter nap

   My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Pokemon. Yes, I'm an underachiever.

   Another Playboy model has come out, saying she had an affair with Trump, 2 years into his marriage with Melania. Trump, you horny old goat, you!

   With all the misspelled words trump has tweeted. I hope he never tweets "Preparing to launch." In stead of "lunch"