Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone could take my phone away from me, that'd be great, thanks

   Vodka would never tell me to put my phone down and see a therapist for my addictions.

   "You promise you didn't get me bees again" [me from a distance] just open it

   Its wierd how acceptable it is to put your genitals in someone else's mouth.

   There is so much caffeine and sugar in my system by 8am, that if I conceived your child at that moment you would have to name it Honey-Boo-Boo.

   Someone taught my Firby to sing Taylor Swift's song "Shake it off", who ever you are...you are pure EVIL.

   I have this tendency of saying stupid things to pretty women, I wonder why?

   If you had a good time, the best time of your life and you don't post it on social media, did it really happen?

   Sometimes when I drink, I start thinking about kids and a family. I might have a drinking problem

   Tetris but one piece is shaped liked you and it doesn't fit anywhere.

   Star Wars (1977) An epic tale of a pair of gay robots teamed up with incestous siblings to help them destry their father's midlife crisis toy.

   You know you have been neglecting your own life when you keep up with the Kardashians, know most celebrities’ birthdays and are up to date on most celebrities’ lives and know all their favourite foods.

   i find it ironic that in "the smurfs 2" the stepdad explains to Neil Patrick Harris' character how he met his mother

   Mike Tyson old and frail enough to let him know the tattoo on his face looks stupid? No? Not yet? Hey Mike you rocked in the Hangover

   I'm not saying your p osts aren't hilarious. I'm just saying that I've seen most of them on little wooden signs hanging in my moms bathroom.

   RuPaul's idea of a "drag race" is totally different than mine.

   They think I have superiority complex; it's because I'm better than them.

   I wish there was a kick under table for people who share their embarrassing photos and staff on Internet.

   Why won't anyone in my trailer watch ET with me????

   Crime doesn't pay folks ...Oh! wait Whitey Bulger lives like Scarface his young life & Now he gets to stay in a nursing home completely free? Prison ...nursing home..>> same thing !