Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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If someone gave me a million dollars to lose weight for one of those weight loss programs I would too 
Two girls talking. 1st girl: I've been ask lots of times to get married. 2nd girl: Was it by the same guy? 1st girl: No, by my mother.
Pro-tip: sadness is for people who are awake or sober.
Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these effing mind games?!
A good way to understand the importance of wood grain is to pet a cat.
Since Easter sunday is also April fool's day as a April fool's prank. Besides dyeing raw eggs (That I mention in an earlies status) I also willbe substituting the candy choclate balls with chocolate covered brussel sprouts.
Forgetting to close my tab at the bar isn't as costly as forgetting to close tabs on my computer at home.
People who say "I'm beside myself" are often mistaken.... with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.
Look out. The first song I heard today was Eye Of The Tiger. It scored my "looking for my car keys and wallet" montage.
It's too bad that everyone that has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the Internet.
now knows why they say silence is the best answer for a fool....
Alcohol is an Anti-inflammatory & raises good HDL Cholesterol, which helps ward off Dementia.
says he is not the only one that yawns with a HE-MAN/Popeye pose at work; every guy does
Make me good God, but not just yet.
Okay everyone, with all the lovely things I have been purchasing on credit, please join me on Sunday May 22nd for a garage sale at 25% off. PLEASE!
Once a good one is taken, one thinks they can do better and usually end up with les.
opportunity always involves some risk..but didnt expect it to robb me..
wondering why everytime I go to the store to buy some milk, I feel like I have bought the whold damn cow!!
Disatisfied with the automatic submission system, I manually submitted you to the afterlife, ending your suffering and mine.
Needs to get off my butt and get some cleaning done :/ Just the thought of it spoils my "HAPPY" mood. My husband always tells me he wants me happy, so I guess I will leave the cleaning alone. 