Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not always productive as I could be... My brain has too many tabs open.

   People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.

   Women like men who are emotionally available. Write that down.

   In the Midnight hour she Cried " Turn that TV Down I'm trying to sleep" :(

   Being an alcoholic allows me to use my liquor store's wi-fi anytime I want

   My wife and I have one in common; neither of us respect me.

   There is method in my madness and madness in my method.

   Spider-Man is joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe...he will mate with Black Widow, and then she devours him afterwards.

   I only want to be rich so I can be more carefree about throwing drinks in people's faces.

   My ear buds are in.... yes, you are interrupting me.

   She's all that and a bottle of vodka.

   I need a full body the selfie movement ain't doin it for me lady's

   I never get nervous or embarrassed. That's just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.

   love aint about first sight anymore..it has evolved into endsight,hindsight nd foresight..so dont be short sight..

   Never ignore coincidence. Unless, of course, you’re busy. In which case, always ignore coincidence

   If your dog is the only one excited when you walk in the door from work even though you make 6 figures.......... you have failed conclusively!!!!!

   After watching Final Destination, I now have visions. I won't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and roti.

   With all these numbers opping up, you would think somone would have a bingo by now

   wishing he lived life like Cyde & Ely Shoelace on youtube!!!

   lost it now by the fact that for years guys psyche have been bombarded by the eternal equation.."Girls like Teddy bears"..and now after a lot of efforts over the years when I am near that figure..all of a sudden six pack phenomenon kicks in...Damn you B