Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   R. Riley is so fat and over-weight, Thanos has to snap twice.

   You know your farts must really stink when you fart and your dog gets up and leaves the room.

   Whenever they show the crowd at Yankees stadium...every Yankees fan looks like an out of shape Paulie Malignaggi.

   Does anyone else notice that if you mention the clown HEre they try to bury it?

   I'm the reason Waldo is hiding

   Pretty sure that Flynn wants immunity so he can confess that he was the one who took a deuce in the urinal.

   Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

   A woman asked if I'd like a cherry cordial. I high fived myself and said, "Finally! A virgin!" Turned out she was only offering me candy.

   Why should I trust the toothpaste recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists when they're the ones who make money fixing people's teeth?

   Find the man strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't care if it's on your legs.

   My girlfriend told me she wanted me to choke her during sex, I asked her; whats wrong with during dinner?

   If I don't ask your opinion you don't have to give it to me

   Falling in love on the internet is a lot like running on a treadmill for an hour and expecting to be ANYWHERE else!

   When I die, I want my ashes scattered in a pile in front of my smartphone.

   ...what do you mean I can't get change from the church collection plate? I only have $20s.

   If you watch the movie Flashdance backwards, it's about a girl who made it into a ballet company but decided to be a Welder by day and Dancer/stripper by night.

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

   Be strong, I whispered to my wifi signal.

   A recent study determined the number one reason couples divorce is marriage. . .

   Sucks when you want someone but can't have them cuz someone else has them but if they wanted you, they wouldn't be with that someone.