Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank you myfitnesspal for helping me track my calorie intake. Apparently I'm eating enough every day to keep three people alive.

   Weed is for people who cant afford cocaine.

   I watched the1980's Karate Kid. I waxed the old man's car, sanded the floor, painted the fence and house. I'm still got my butt kicked because Hollywood lies.

   You made me think of "Hotel California," prepare to die.

   Call your man "Boyoncé" today so he feels empowered.

   Does anybody out there know the co-ordinates of all of the Nudist Colonies on earth? Or at least a few?

   I'm sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your birthday.

   October is the month you affirm your socioeconomic status by going to a dirty farm.

   Candy corn is just regular corn that has daddy issues, smokes Marlboros, and has a kid out of wedlock with a guy named Bo.

   I'm not saying I'm out of shape, but following a brisk hike down the stairs to the fridge I just sweated out Vince Vaughn holding a bottle of bourbon.

   Some have so big egos that they probably get off in front of a mirror

   Was just about to pump iron but then I thought, "Does a rose need to wear perfume?"

   Dear Zombies, I'm ready for you because planning for your attack beats applying for jobs. Sincerely, Can Zombie Slayer Go On A Resume?

   ok but i'm out of cialis so you have to wear the boba fett mask

   to love or not to love....theres no question :-)

   wondering what a "PANG of DISAPPOINTMENT" is....

   got a call from Cupid asking me where I'd like him to fire his arrow on my date tonight! I said nowhere as I can't afford her to deflate!

   "my, aren't you looking floppy today" is not an effective greeting, unless you want them to wonder why they look floppy for days to come

   politicians need those burn-proof suits like NASCAR drivers wear....liar liar pants are on fire

   Getting in an argument with women is like being arrested because anything you say can and will be used against you.