Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.

   1776: No Taxation Without Representation!!! 2016: No Commenting Without Liking!!!

   It's nice having dogs that continuously warn me about the nothing outside.

   .... Do you think ISIS cares about Pathetic Hashtags, Prayers or ... Candles? Wake up Earth!! They care not about you ....

   I'm old enough now to realize the only pork in "Pork and Beans" was an inedible piece of bacon fat

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando in your life.

   Due to recent events, I'm deducting a full three stars from my Yelp review of Earth.

   Whenever my parents talk about "the good old days", they always seem to stop at 1990. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   The U.S. birthrate is at an all-time low. The birthrate is now so low that "The Maury Povich Show" may have to cut back to just half an hour.

   It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

   Allowed a stray cat to come in, it's crazy and hates hugs, I'm also 95% sure it's a raccoon.

   Well, of course the gas station air pump costs a dollar, because air doesn't grow on trees........... Ummmm,,,,, wait.

   After dating for 2 months she wanted to meet my parents. I said baby chill...I waited 9 months to meet my own.

   Pretending to be nice is exhausting....

   Now Dammit! The sign says "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service." It said nothing of pants! It's so hot...

   If I give you a card for any occasion know that there is a 97% chance I bought it 30 minutes before I gave it to you & then signed it while parked in your driveway.

   Female mannequins create unrealistic portrayals of women....mostly because the mannequins don't talk.

   Been watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy....

   No Nancy, I can't come to your essential oils party. I have to organize my liquor cabinet.