Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Outlook for the rest of winter ... Criss de colisse de tabarnak?!?

   Betty white to preform at next year at 2022 Superbowl ...

   when 1 of my lenses fall out, I like to think of the glasses as half full

   Sex is like a bowling ball, if your not using all three fingers, you're just cheating your game.

   All those exercise videos are worthless, I watch them over and over and not even lost a Kg

   Daisy Dukes make my General Lee stand at attention.

   If I can’t taste myself on your beard when your finished, then your not done licking.

   It's not that I can't stand people who attend the University of Florida, it's that I can't stand the red-necks who love the Gators.

   Freddie Mercury has replaced Elvis as the go to star for Boomer ladies.

   co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave me: oh sorry does my lobster smell co-worker: no he’s pinching people

   Do you guys blow on your food when it’s hot, or do you hashafashasha til you can chew it?

   Monday is Memorial Day. I plan on showing my grandsons how to eat corn on the cob typewriter style. The hard part is going to be explaining a typewriter. 🌽

   The Seattle Supersonics are offensive to snails and turtles. 😛

   You think your having a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED.

   Employee: We have to stop testing our products on animals. Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time. Employee: Yeah, but we make hammers.

   I walked in my girlfriend cheating on me with a 6 '8 280 lb Linebacker all I said was " Yo Sis, Dinner is ready"

   Just remember: We are best friend. If you fall, I will always be there to help you back up. As soon as I finish laughing my ass off.

   OJ Simpson will be using Tinder when he gets out of prison. He will have to decide if he wants to slash left, or slash right

   Great Britain just opting for free agency trying to get some of that sweet NBA rising salary cap money.

   Britain be like "April Fools, hahaha..."