Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's really pissed that I beat him to it. Heck, I'm not stupid .... I put mine up three years ago!

   Purina hung up on me. I suggested mouse flavored cat food.

   I just ate a whole jar of expired mayonnaise!

   Try this yourself. If you take two fingers and push your cat's ears down he will look just like Yoda.

   I'm going to say goodbye to some of you now. Let's see you reads my page. If you are my friend click like and copy and paste this to your fridge.

   The guy standing in front of me should probably step out of line and go grab himself some sort of antidiarrheal medication. All he had to do was sneeze for me to be pretty sure that he has the stomach flu...

   My gums are throbbing, someone somewhere just spilled their whiskey!

   I speak several languages besides English: British, Australian, Scottish and Welch.

   distance can be so cruel when you love somebody

   I don't understand people who take a hundred selfies and then pick the best one to post. I mean how do they roll in real life if they look like the other 99?

   My prediction for the upcoming week: You will have many WTF moments.

   As a kid I was always wearing shoes too big and didn’t know why until one day I remembered my childhood and my dad saying - walk a mile in mine.

   besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

   It's sad old people won't live to see time travel, because how bad do they want to find the jerk who carpeted over this beautiful hardwood?

   I’m opening a bar called The Office. (You’re welcome guys.) “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”

   Just because you wear a bow tie doesn't mean you're G A Y, but it sure does keep people guessing.

   ... Hey ..... My kid didn't have Child Safety Seats when growing up ... And look how well he turned out!!! He invented the Child Safety Seat and is now worth $187 Million ..... #SmartLivesMatter

   Just got up to go to the bathroom and realised I left my work ID swipe card in my jacket. Found the jacket, checked the pockets. Found it. Then realised I didn't need my swipe ID to use the bathroom AT MY HOUSE....😑

   I'm beginning to think Donald Trump is considering gathering all of his Vice Presidential candidates together in a secret place and have them fight to the death to prove their loyalty?

   This is a shout out, to those of you on the toilet right now reading this... Have a good dump. Seriously.