Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel....she died

   The dust has settled, the votes have been counted, the U.S. has decided on their President. As a country you guys should try to unite and move forward, find common ground, and settle your differences. Democrats, stroke their elephant. Republicans, kiss th

   I had this stupid female waitress taking out order. My friend asked for a Caesar salad, she then asks: "What dressing?" My brain almost imploded.

   We all live in a yellow submarine

   Moonlight not my Oscar winner. #thanksrussia #LaLaland2018

   Happy "Go Make Me A Sandwich" day!

   Always memorize your grocery list in case the CIA hacked your iPhone notes.

   Meatloaf's "Two out of Three Ain't Bad" is Trump's favorite song about what is the appropriate percentage of your wives who should be immigrants.

   When Trump was pledging to drain the swamp, his rabid supporters never noticed that he didn't have anything good to refill the swamp with once it was drained.

   Sarah Palin still a Trump loyalist?

   I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say "snap back to reality, oh there's a cavity."

   When it comes time to vote and your only choice is between a liar and an orangutan

   Sarah Palin claims Russia didn't hack the DNC because she can see them from her house.

   I think I'll feel much better once I beat someone to death.

   I wonder, when the citizens of Russia are filling out their Census form, do they put under Occupation “Chechnya”?

   Trump's new moderated immigration stance: Instead of building a wall, he only wants a heavy curtain or moveable partition.

   @ a funeral . ME: What's the WiFi password PRIEST: Respect the dead ME: Is that all small letters?

   If I was a spy, my perfect code name would be "Individual 1".

   Today, I lied, lied about lying, changed my mind, lied about changing my mind, changed my mind about lying, blamed someone for something I did, lied about blaming someone, took a breath, and lied.

   The problem with quotes by famous people you read online is anyone could have brought them. Thomas Edison,